Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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