Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
