He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
