My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Every concussion has its silver lining
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I know her cup size but not her name....
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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