Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
