everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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