I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
