College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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