he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
