do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
