I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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