she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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