Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
