i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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