What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
