Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
