He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.