Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"