Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
