I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
