Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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