Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
