If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
