What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
they're like a gay fantastic four
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
