I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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