hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
