My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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