We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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