Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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