So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize