At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
