im about as happy as oj after his trial
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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