We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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