His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
