just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
