How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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