a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
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