my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
