We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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