I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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