ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
