i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
