why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
