$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
