I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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