Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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