i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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