here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
