2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
