i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
