I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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