I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
