I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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