Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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