okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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