hotel room ftw
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
