Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
